http://myhearthasbeencullenized.tumblr.com/

New year. New location. I'm trying tumblr.com out because,frankly, it's easier to manage and it's easier to upload stuff on there for some reason.

Happy happy 21st birthday to my brother Ice! I may not have expensive gifts to give you but I’d give you the world if I could. Love you!
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I’m usually only up before 8am on Sundays (church service starts promptly at 10am). It’s a wednesday and I am miraculously wide awake like everyone else. I am now sitting in the most comfortable piece of furniture ever brought into this house.

Thank you to my brother’s generous best friend who, instead of giving you a mug for your birthday, insists on giving you a gift that is surely to be more expensive than anything your unemployed sister could ever give you.

---> insert misleading comment to mask bitterness here <-----

I am sitting in it now with mixed feelings of contempt and gratitude as the birthday "boy" snores in the next room. I am feeling like a queen typing away on my little laptop. If Queen Elizabeth blogged,this would be the chair she would have been sitting in. This blue chair is truly blue-blood worthy. I think the crick in my neck is finally gone. Ah, so this is what being pain-free feels like. I think ,for the first time in a long time, I actually feel my age.

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter & Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against

Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized day(s).

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,
"Case dismissed."

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying,
"Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor,
we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists."

The judge said,
"The calendar says April 1st is 'April Fools Day.'

Psalm 14:1 states,

'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'

Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool.

Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned."

I found myself thinking about faith today and how I have to contain myself when given the chance to talk about it. I fear that sometimes emotions get the better of me and I ramble on unintelligibly and I turn people off. I wish I could really explain the value of a real relationship with God to the people I care about. It's not enough just saying things sometimes and the way you live your life is more important than the words you say to convince people that what you believe is true. I have found that living for God is the purpose of every human being and that is why everything else feels wrong and that every path we take leaves us feeling incomplete and unsatisfied.

I was fortunate enough to see the movie a day before it opened and what made it even more special was that I was with my closest friends (who are equally if not exceedingly more obsessed with the Twilight Series than I am) I was so nervous because I really wanted to like the movie. Looking back now, I think, like most fans, I had unrealistic expectations of what the movie would be like. It's hard enough to squeeze 500+ pages into 2 hours but to do it on a budget of 37 million? I think they did a great job with what they had.

I think Melissa Rosenberg (screenwriter) dissected and revived the movie in such a fresh but honest way remaining true to the beauty of the book. I think Catherine Hardwicke (director) did a pretty good job as well.

Rob Pattinson was so fun to look at.I think Kristen Stewart's acting was brilliant and their chemistry was so amazing. I can't even write an actual review about it yet because I've only seen it once and if you're as obsessed as I am, you'll know what I mean. The first time you see it, you're too stunned to really pay attention to detail. You'll just be,like, "omg, I can't believe I'm finally watching it"

I hate to admit how much of a fangirl I am because it's really embarrassing (me being 23 and all) but it's something uncontrollable and after finishing the series, you feel so attached to Bella and all the other characters that the obsession comes naturally. The hype surrounding the series and the movie is insane. It just feeds the growing cult status even more.

I like how they didn't unrealistically idealize Edward in the film because in the book, Bella is so blinded by her obsession (in the beginning,the first book I mean) that you don't really get to see Edward logically (as logical as you can see a 'vampire').

I guess, for me, what really affected me about the bookseries wasn't the fact that Edward was a 'vampire' .(I mean it was fun to enter that world but) I think it was more because of the dynamic between Edward and Bella. I think Bella's the most relatable character I've read in years. I think maybe it's because how she is secretly insecure and unsure of herself because she isn't a stereotypical 'teen girl'. She didn't fit into any of the 'labels' that high school forcefully thrusts upon you. I think she is too level-headed to admit her insecurities. Insecurities that aren't founded on actual truths because,even though she doesn't see herself clearly, she is special and extraordinary. She wasn't longing for anyone to rescue her or felt like she needed anyone in her life to complete her.Then Edward comes along, who's been around for more than 100 years and who is so completely stagnant and numb emotionally and they are both totally blindsided by this almost instantaneous attraction and unexplained longing for something Edward didn't think he would ever find and something Bella never knew she wanted or needed in her life.

I think Rob and Kristen portrayed the restrained longing very well and it didn't come across as contrived at all but genuine and heartwarming.The cast was great but I was sort of disappointed that Jasper had just one line. Alice is one of my favorite characters in the series but I think Ashley Greene needs acting lessons.I don't know,she looked like Alice but she didn't really do that character justice.
Carlisle and Esme were perfect but Nikki Reed as Rosalie didn't really feel right to me. I guess I'll just have to go out and watch it again.Kellan Lutz was the exact Emmett I pictured in my head but I should think they should cast Steven Strait instead or Taylor Lautner as Jacob in New Moon because...ok I won't spoil it for those who haven't read New Moon. I just think they should change Jacob.

I think the most perfect scenes were the baseball scene and the ballet room scene. I think some scenes (like the first time she enters the Cullen mansion) could have been so much better and I think they should have included more lines from the book but I heard they thought most of it was too cheesy to be said out loud. I guess some lines are just good on paper and in one's imagination.


I hear New Moon will start filming in March, I'm sure they'll do an even better job because thankfully, the budget will be bigger this time.:)

I had another dream that I wasn't able to write about. This part of the dream was quite pleasant, though, it would be embarrassing to admit. I once fell in love with a boy and like all teenagers, I felt like the world was crumbling around me when he didn't see me the same way. The fact that I was in my late teens didn't really help the situation. I guess we all will be little girls when it comes to the experience of finding your first love.

The dream involved this boy. Let's just call him M. In the dream, M was standing at the topmost part of a staircase. The steps were covered with a blood-red carpet. It felt cold and dark, like I was inside a cinema and the light coming from behind me suggested that a movie was playing. It was silent, though and then I saw him. He was wearing the blue shirt I loved. He smiled and handed me a bottle of clear blue liquid. It was water but unlike any water I had seen. It was the coldest thing I've ever touched but it didn't hurt my hand when I held it. He immediately sat on the steps when I was near and I followed suit.We sat there in silence and he put his arm around my shoulder. It felt warm and I felt safe. It felt like we were sitting there for hours. There were no words spoken,just the feeling of happiness washing over me. I didn't want to leave and neither did he. There was no movie playing on the screen just stars moving across it like a marquee. I closed my eyes, he smelled like the ocean and I woke up.


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It was weird when I woke up because I felt myself smiling. I hadn't really thought about him for a while (except for the time he messaged me online) I had not seen him in nearly two years and it surprised me that on some level, even subconsciously, I still miss him and that having him near,even if it wasn't real, still made me smile.

They say when you have unpleasant dreams, it means that subconscious fears dominate your mind while you sleep. I had a dream last night. It wasn't exactly a 'nightmare' where there are monsters or demons but it was disturbing nonetheless. I was walking through a dark forest with my dad and some relatives and I was pointing out to my dad where my cousing Jhan and I walked the night before. I was stunned to realize that the dark path we took was not a forest but a cemetery. It suddenly became bright. like midday bright.

We got to the middle of the cemetery and there was this circular pool covered all over with glass. It appeared to be a half-filled aquarium but instead of marine life it contained humans....dead humans. They almost looked like crash test dummies or celebrity wax figures, I thought to myself when I was suddenly struck with the realization that it was, in fact, dead people. They were all floating close together,you could barely see spaces between the bodies. I suddenly felt the cold air and eerie sound of crickets in the distance envelop me and I couldn't take my eyes off this huge aquarium that contained, not life, but death. I looked around and I was alone. No one was there and then I woke with a start.

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It was 10 am and everyone had left and I was alone at home with my thoughts trying to analyze the dream I had. There was another part of the dream that I would like to share. It felt so out of place because it was not nightmarish at all. I'll write about it when I get home later. I have to go to the dentist now.

I haven't had breakfast yet and my migraine is acting up again. I begrudgingly rose from my comfy bed when my mom forcefully woke me up. I got up thinking that it was an emergency and it was, by her standards. She had no idea how to disconnect her iPod from her laptop. It would have been hilarious had I not been the type of person who gets cranky when she wakes up after only 3 hours of sleep.

She was in a rush to get out of the house and usually this would perk me up because I can have peace for the day but I wanted to sleep. damn it! She was meeting an 80s matinee idol for an interview. I really could not care less.

She even said. "You want to go with me? you can post pics on your multiply para your friends can envy you" I said, "that's the last thing they'd feel Ma. They would just be embarrassed they were friends with me."

She feigned a giggle but I sensed I struck a nerve.(Anything slightly pertaining to the fact that she isn't 28 anymore offends her more than if you slap her right smack in the face) She just said so, "Si (the 80s actor daughter) ang sikat sa inyo?" I just said,indifferently. "No, Ma kahit siya di sikat" AHAHAHAHA

She gave up and left and I couldn't go back to sleep.

I am feeling surprisingly good today. It has nothing to do with what is happening around me but what is happening inside of me. I feel like I've been changing day by day into a better Christian. The type that doesn't rely on circumstances to dictate her emotions. The kind that holds fast to truths inside herself no matter what the world says or throws at her.

I still feel the negative emotions I feel but I also feel okay about it now. I prayed for my faith to be increased and I've learned that in order for a person's faith to increase,one's trials must increase as well.

I woke up to my mom complaining and screaming at someone over the phone and this would usually bother me because I'd know that once she puts the phone down, she will most likely direct her anger at me but today, it didn't. And surprisingly,she didn't find something to yell at me about. Of course there was the usual grunting because I had a lot of things to do and I refused to wait on her hand and foot but that was expected. It was empowering not be affected by her issues. I guess I'm growing up. I think the only way to truly grow up is to grow in GOD.

Some people believe that being a "grown up" means having your own money,your own place, financial success isn't always synonymous with being 'grown up'. It is a part of it,though. But I think that a true grown up is someone who takes responsibility for their actions, someone who knows how to forgive and ask for forgiveness,someone who will put her children first before herself, someone who keeps no record of help given over the years so she can use it against you someday when you fail to meet her demands.

I think I am a grown up now, at least because I've learned what a grown up isn't.

I haven't been blogging a lot lately and it's largely due to the fact that I'm too lazy whenever I go online. It's like routine: yahoo,facebook,mulitply,friendster,plurk and then log off. I haven't been doing anything of note recently. I was at the Chris Brown and Rihanna concert last night and let me just say that night alone deserves another blog entry,one which I'm not ready to write about right now because it would be doubly annoying to relive it. Just to be clear, the concert was AWESOME (the performance) the part before and after (or getting to and from the venue), however, was a nightmare.
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I've always been a fairly carefree person. I don't usually find myself up to my throat with regrets but lately (maybe it's because I've turned 23 I don't know) I've been having these weird thoughts about what I've done with my life and, oddly enough, regrets always resurface even when I make an effort to convince myself to focus on the positive. There is one thing,however that nullifies the incessant internal debate I've been having with my 23 year old self and it's my faith in GOD.


I have been writing,though, but it's usually on these inane topics that employers ask me to write about. I have not written anything I'm proud of lately (i.e. my whole life). It's just frustrating.

I know my regrets and frustrations are misdirected.People usually project their frustrations onto other people refusing to pin the blame on themselves, and in some cases,it is not right to blame others but in my case, I think it is. There is one person in my life who has largely been responsible for how I feel about myself. Whoever knows me truly will figure this out. This person is the most selfish,immature and hurtful person I know. I can never say this to anyone because it will only reflect wrongly on me but it is a truth I've had to live with for the past (n) years and a truth I've only recently accepted.

It's tough to make sense out of the hurt the people who are supposed to love you cause. Only people close to us can truly hurt us. I have been living with this for so long it seems unnatural and even futile to try to do anything about it at this point.

This is the most complicated emotion I've had to wrestle with in my whole life. The pity mixes with anger and I'm left with a bitter aftertaste and a resentment that is directed at myself. I wonder why I kick myself for feeling what a normal person is SUPPOSED to feel given this situation.